I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
