Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
