My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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