ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
