apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
