I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
