So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
