false alarm. still invincible.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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