who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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