SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
