Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
