If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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