I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
