none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
