i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
