they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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