It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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