I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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