My hand turned me down
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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