It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My feet surprised me
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
