Screwed.edu
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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