Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
