how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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