Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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