I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
