they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
