News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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