just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
