John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you inspire me to be a worse person
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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