She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
