yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
