Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
