my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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