I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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