I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You know, be my cock's hype man.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
