Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
