I could make wine with my vomit
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
