I got chris browned last night
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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