jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I think im going to throw up on grandma
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
