I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
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