his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize