fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it's great music for shaving your balls
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize