Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We're too hungover to prance.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
