he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
