Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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