apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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