Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
