i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
