Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
