I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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