I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
