Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
