i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He passed out mid-signature
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
