The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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