i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
