Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
